Just my thoughts...

I'm feeling so blessed and contented now that I'm wondering when it will stop.

For the past 6 years, I've been involved a lot in church activities, seeking God, serving and stuff like...sharing, leading a cell group and most importantly learning how to worship Him.From a person who has never felt God's presence to feeling His presence and learned how to release completely to Him. I don't know where my spirit is, but wherever it is, I believe that it is growing stronger in Him. And I hope that as I spend more time in His presence and desire Him more and more, my spirit will be more attuned with His and less with the world.

Now that I've graduated and I'm waiting for the letter from KKM calling me to go for induction before I start work, I start to have this fear in me.

And I need to keep telling myself, no, no. There is a path that we must walk by faith and not by sight.I dont know where I will be sent to.But I believe that no matter where I go, God is there with me.It's just that I fear for the "what if" I didnt do well,I gave up, I start to doubt God and stuff like that.
I tend to allow the human me to play with my thoughts.For me,to walk by faith is an understanding and a belief that cannot be explained or dissected, only FELT. Like the stirring of a breeze, a whisper in the wind - only occasionally we catch a glimpse of eternity, and fall silent at the majesty that is above all we could imagine.

But we know that beyond the veil, beyond this life, there it is. Glory and holiness that will captivate us for eternity.I know that I really need to learn to just wait, and pray, and believe.

And thus,
there it is, there it is.

^_^

Merdeka spirit - what went wrong?

Merdeka!Merdeka!Merdeka! ...It has been like 6 years that I have not been celebrating Merdeka. The simple reason is that I was not in Malaysia for that period.

My memories of Merdeka? Lots of it... I remember that I used to practice so hard with my clarinet and marching from 5pm till 7pm every Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday from the beginning of August.In the morning of the National day, we woke up as early as 5am and prepared ourselves before we left for the Padang Besar Ipoh and then when time comes, we would march proudly and played our beautiful "Perajurit Song" with much enthusiasm for 8 to 9km... At that moment, I could really felt the Merdeka spirit and embraced it especially when I passed by the Sultan (hahaha)

What happen after 6 years? Have I changed or Malaysia have changed?

Today is the 28th of August ... Back then , I would have seen Malaysian flags everywhere. (shophouses, houses and vehicles ) Now,I can only see a few pathetic flags despite Merdeka is just 3 days away.

Even I have not gone into the Merdeka celebratory mood despite being in Malaysia.

I really love my country, MALAYSIA. Yes, I do and always will.

I don't want to be the ones that are complaining about our government and various stuff and end with the statement " thus,I couldn't find the Merdeka Spirit" .I believe in initiative. ^_^ Thus , from today onwards I will play Merdeka songs in the room, hang Malaysian flags, make my own flag (^_^) , watch merdeka advertisement and shows, watch the morning parade and fireworks to get the Merdeka spirit back . Merdeka! Merdeka! Merdeka!

A genuine happiness

Happiness

I'm amazed sometimes at my ability to feel happy for others... non of that that's-great-for-you-wish-things-were-the-same-for-me-too, but a pure, genuine kind of joy when I hear good things happening to others.. so totally makes my day~!

People getting married...

People getting together...

People planning surprises for others...

*happy sigh~*

But these 3 days really taught me what genuine happiness is all about. I nearly lost my Dad last Tuesday. When my sister broke the news that my dad was hospitalised due to a strong stabbing pain in his chest and his condition was not stable, tears just flow down my cheek unknowingly. The most painful part was when I called back I had to pretend that I didn't know anything (my parents told my sister not to tell me), and be casual.

While chatting with him on the phone, his voice was really weak. Unknowingly tears just flow through my cheek.I had to pause and breathe real hard before continuing talking with him.That moment was really a very very painful moment to go through. I spent the last 2 days worrying about my dad.I could wake up in the middle at night and cried non stop for 2 to 3 hours because the fear of losing my dad was just very strong. I did nothing but worrying and complaining why. I stopped praying. I stopped believing in Him. I shut myself from reality.

Even when my friends prayed for my dad,I wasn't praying because when my uncle was on his death bed, I was kneeling and praying to God to save him, and He didn't. Thus, this time I didn't want to pray. Because I felt it was just going to be same as before.

But God is really gracious and good to me. He never forgets about me. He send people around me to comfort me. And I'm really thankful for them. I am thankful that they knew about what had happenned and yet never really asked alot.Coz at that moment I just wanted to be left alone.I am thankful that I have very considerate friends.I am. And of course, I am thankful that my dad was discharged yesterday. His condition is stable now but from now on he really needs to becareful coz recurrence rate is really high.

In just these 3 short days, I have experienced both sadness and joy on the extreme. The thing was I wallowed myself into self-pitiness. I made myself a victim. I created an excuse for myself to do nothing. But God pulled me through this painful journey. I was in the lowest pit of my life till He came to pull me out of it.He comforted me with His angels, His people, His prayer team and His songs.And all these are true genuine happiness that I've felt. Deep from inside. Thank You , My Father.

Below were the the song that really speak to me during this period.

Because Of You - City Harvest Church

Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

This is the only word that could describe what I am feeling right now. And what is the cause of my PTSD then? Duh.. exam laa....

Actually I still have another exam (Pediatrics) on the 22nd.. But I just couldn't find any reason to motivate me now...

My MOTIVATION now = 0

Oh Lord, please get rid of this feeling away from me.

The song that keeps my heart warm now - Stand by me - Boys over flowers OST

My Mood now ::: ^_^

Stand By Me - SHINee

Emo post : Christmas nostalgia..

Christmas is making me nostalgic and I tend to think more of my loved ones who are far away …

The Promise ( secret garden )

I felt so peaceful after listening to this ...

Happy Mid-Autumn Festival!!

Happy Mid-Autumn Festival or should I say Happy Mooncake Festival Ya people!!!
Doesn't it reminds you of your home and family?
Well I do...

The end of my holiday..

4 more days before flying back to Moscow... My current mood is somewhat a mixture of excited+ happy+emo+emo+emo+emo +emo and emo!!!

There's so much to be done and little time left....


p/s : Blog's still in a mess ... will try to beautify it whenever I have time!!

The annoying thing.

"My current mood"

Some people exist to make others miserable.