The " I " In Me

Today I had this bout of the 'emptiness' feeling.

I don't know how to put it down, I didn't know how to express it, I knew some people would listen

to me but I knew I had other better things to do than to rant.
I felt very 'unhappening'. I don't really have that va-va-voom in life yet.
Somehow I feel pretty unfulfilled.

I don't blame anyone but myself.

If I were to die tomorrow, I am not afraid of it. But I wouldn't want to die yet because I have left so many things uncomplete.

Man, so many 'I's.

You know when I go to university I feel like a nun... I mean, I don't smoke, don't say the f-word, don't drink, don't go clubbing etc etc. But then when I go to church I feel like I'm not a good enough Christian. (I know there is no such thing as being a good enough Christian, but I just feel that way, ok!)

People say to me, 'Man, loosen up!' Yet I feel I am very unworthy of God's grace.

And... time management problems. These past weeks I have been procrastinating alot.

hours
a day does not seem to be enough because of my procrastination.

I don't know what has come over me.
I feel my life's spiralling out of control.
I hope I can even revise my work in time.

But then again I feel incredibly disciplined at times
especially in this time of my topography anatomy cycle.

I hate skipping church,prayer meeting and fellowhip and urban life,
but I really need to study.
But if I was really desperate I CAN make it for these meetings.

I have lost that desperation for God in a way.
I mean I still love Him and all,
but I think I am sizzling out in passion.
But I know I shouldn't rely on passion
but on a love that never fizzes out.

Somehow nowadays I feel it's so difficult to be friendly. All I want to do is to stick to the small group of friends

I am comfortable with. I find it challenging to move out of my comfort zone and try to make conversation with other people. I fear irritating them. I really want people to feel accepted but yet I lack the courage to go all out to do so plus I felt myself being a hypocrite.

I also feel I am a very boring person.
(despite protests from some that I'm not).

Let me put it this way- I am boring to people I can't really click with. Somehow I've lost that spark of humour I once had. Believe it or not, I was actually outgoing once upon a time.Haha...

Now all I wanna do is hide inside my shell.

Sigh I am full of oxymorons.